在上一個職場時，因緣際會認識一位作家叫Simon Sinek，他許多理念跟我剛好一拍即合，或許因為我們都是比較感性的人、理想主義者，我還記得當時他出一本書叫《Better Together》，我很喜歡那本書，我還有買一本送給當時很照顧我的主管，後來她在別的單位要講授領導課程剛好派上用場。
Simon Sinek主要是談領導，然後漸漸擴展到各種領域，我也覺得他的理念大致上都很棒，雖然有時他會被詬病談空話，但我覺得並不是空話，而是那些是需要人生經驗、需要靜下心、需要實踐的，不然很容易聽完就過，他的理念其實在領導和各個人生領域都是一以貫之，領導並不只是領導，那只是一種應用。
最近被推到Simon和Trevor談論友情的影片，看完之後我覺得完全更新了我怎麼看待朋友的重要性及如何維繫友情這件事，朋友的重要性真的是被絕大多數人低估，深入交流的友情也是，套一句Simon說的話（好像是在其他的演講）：「Friendship is the ultimate biohack」（友情是人生的最強外掛）。而我對於友情一向是自認珍惜，也會主動維繫，但看了之後，仍然覺得：我真的不是一個好的朋友。
很高興我意識到這件事，所以我可以朝這個方向學習！在維繫友情、為友情付出時，或許不會每一次都遇到跟我心意相投的對象，但是每一次都是我的分享與愛與學習。對我來說，我周遭的人被我分成一起共事的人（同學、同事）、普通朋友、好朋友，好朋友這一圈非常非常少，大概頂多2、3個而已，所以我可以從這2、3個人開始學習更主動的珍惜和帶給他們好的影響。
從這個影片中節錄幾段我覺得滿有意思的內容。
[00:02:44] Trevor
And she said one of the most powerful things ever to me, she said, "When we say we've sacrificed something for our career, we shouldn't be afraid to put a name to who that sacrifice was, because often time it was the people in our lives that we call friends."
她曾對我說過一句非常震撼的話，她說：
「當我們說我們為了事業做出犧牲時，其實我們可以明說我們犧牲了什麼。因為很多時候，那些被我們犧牲的，就是我們所謂的『朋友』。」
[00:03:20] Simon
For me, I think the sacrifice was lopsided and I think especially for high performers, who I think later on in life, you start to realize that network of friends sometimes isn't there because you've "sacrificed", you know, the number of us who have cancelled on friends because a meeting comes up, because they'll understand.
對我來說，那種犧牲其實是失衡的。尤其是對那些高績效的人來說，常常到人生後期才會開始意識到，原來身邊的朋友已經不在了——因為我們一路上不斷地「犧牲」了他們。我們中有多少人，因為臨時開了個會，就取消了跟朋友的約？因為我們總認為朋友會理解的，所以很自然的犧牲他們。
And yet the reverse is very rarely true, we'll say to somebody for a meeting, “Can we meet on Friday instead of Thursday? Because in my calendar”, we wouldn't say, “in my calendar— a friend”. And definitely for me the times where I have tripped, slipped, fell, hit rock bottom, felt alone, any of these spaces, my work wasn't going to rescue me. In the grace of some higher power, there was always a friend who saw it and recognized it in me, who picked me up.
我們很少會反過來這麼做。我們不太會跟別人說：「這場會議能不能從星期四改到星期五？因為我行事曆上那天我跟朋友有約。」
但我可以很確定地說，對我來講，那些我跌倒、犯錯、迷路、跌進谷底、覺得自己孤單的時候，工作從來沒有拯救過我。但總會有一個朋友，看得出我不對勁，然後拉我一把。
[00:04:22] Simon
You know, and this is a different kind of investment. People are moving to in the United States, you know, people are moving from California and and New York to Texas and Florida to avoid paying taxes because they want to save time and yet where else I want to. I want it to be the reverse. Like, I'm not worried about, like, saving the money, you know, to be in a place I don't want to live. I want to live with the people I love and if it costs more. And by the way, by cost, I mean that maybe I won't achieve that thing or maybe I'll miss that deadline, or maybe I'll miss that quarter.
這是一種不同形式的「投資」。現在美國有很多人搬去德州、佛州，只是為了逃稅，說這樣可以省時間。可我想做的是恰恰相反。我考慮的不是為了省錢而搬去一個我不喜歡的地方住，我就想住在我愛的人附近，即使要付出更多的成本也沒關係，「成本」不是指錢，而是可能我因此達不到某個目標，可能錯過一個截止日，也許會錯過一個季度的成果。
It's a different kind of sacrifice. We think of sacrifice as always against people. But I can make a sacrifice for my career, for my friends. And it's about striking that right balance because your friends will be there for you, your work won't.
這是一種不同的犧牲方式。我們總以為「犧牲」是對朋友不利的事，但我想說，我可以為了朋友而犧牲我的事業。關鍵是要找到那個平衡。因為在你真正需要的時候，能陪伴你的是朋友，不是工作。
[00:07:34] Simon
And I know that there's a lot being talked about the addiction of social media, the addiction of cell phones, which is true, it is a highly dopamine producing device. And that it's causing loneliness. And I would argue that if we worked on the friendships and more important, if we taught our children how to be friends, that perhaps they are less likely to get addicted. We're teaching people how to do everything. You know, we're finding the hacks for everything. The one thing we aren't doing is the old fashioned, hard, slow thing of making friends.
我知道現在很多人都在討論社群媒體、手機成癮，這是真的。手機是一個會不斷刺激多巴胺的東西，也會加劇了孤獨感。所以我想，如果我們投入經營友情，更重要的是——如果在友情這方面我們也知道如何教小孩，或許他們會減少很多成癮的問題。
我們現在什麼都教，什麼都有秘訣。但唯一沒有被好好教的，就是這件很老掉牙的、很不容易的、只能慢慢來的事：交朋友。
[00:08:24] Trevor
I came to realize most of our friendships we sort of leave to coincidence. I bumped into this person. I went to the same school as them. We were in the same church, the same company, and that defines our friendships. I realized that no one has ever taught us how to work on.
我後來才意識到，其實我們大多數的友情，都是靠「偶然」建立起來的。像是我碰巧遇見這個人；我們碰巧讀同一所學校；我們去同一間教會、在同一家公司——所以我們覺得我們是朋友。但我發現，從來沒有人教過我們，要怎麼「經營」一段友情。
[00:08:53] Simon
And most people think they're good friends. If you ask, most people, “Are you a good friend?” Most people say, yeah, I'm a good friend. And so I said, have you sacrificed the meeting to hang out with a friend? And have you do you call your friends on their birthday and sing them happy birthday or do you just put a thing on social media saying happy birthday because you saw everybody else put?
When a friend is depressed, do you go over to their house and climb into bed with them and sit and watch movies and eat ice cream all day and be depressed with them? Have you done all those things? Have you ever said to your friend I love you, not love ya, not love you, but I love you? Have you done those things? Are you a good friend? The way to prove that those things matter is has anybody ever done that for you?
而且你問大部分人，他們都會認為自己是個「好朋友」。你問他：「你是個好朋友嗎？」幾乎每個人都會說：「是啊，我是。」那我會繼續問他們：「那你有為了朋友，取消過一場會議嗎？你有在朋友生日的時候，打電話唱生日快樂歌給他聽，還是只是看到大家在社群媒體上留言，就也跟著寫一個『生日快樂』？」當你的朋友陷入憂鬱時，你有沒有去到他家，躺在那裡陪他一整天，看電影、吃冰淇淋，跟她他一起難過？你有做過這些事嗎？你有對朋友說過「我愛你」嗎？不是那種俏皮包裝的「love ya」，也不是輕描淡寫順口說的「love you」，而是發自內心、清楚而堅定的：「我愛你」？你有嗎？你真的是一個好朋友嗎？如果你想說做這些又不代表什麼，那我想先問有人這樣對你做過嗎？你有經歷過被這樣對待的感覺嗎？（Simon後面有舉一個例子，他這樣對一位朋友做，帶來的影響完全超出他的預期）
[00:09:38] Simon
When you've been depressed, have they come and just sat and been depressed with you, not trying to fix you, not trying to pull you out of the mud, just been depressed with you? Have they said I love you to you? Your career necessitates you to be on the road, right? How has that affected your friendships? More important, what have you done to maintain the closeness of those friendships with the crazy life that you live?
當你自己陷入低潮時，有沒有朋友什麼都不說，就只是來陪著你、和你一起低潮？不是要你趕快好起來，或是想要幫你什麼，就只是陪你一起難過？有朋友這樣對過你嗎？有朋友堅定地對你說過「我愛你」嗎？你的工作讓你必須經常在外奔波，對吧？那這樣的生活型態對你的友誼有什麼影響？但更重要的是——你做了什麼努力，讓這些友誼依舊很緊密？在你這麼忙碌的生活裡，你為你的朋友做過什麼？
[00:11:44] Trevor
I remember once I was in an interview and somebody said, hey, what's your goal? What's your dream? It was actually Forbes magazine and I said I would love to be successful, but I wish there was a top ten list for somebody who has a friend's net worth.
我記得有一次在接受訪問時，對方問我：「你的目標是什麼？你的夢想是什麼？」那是《富比世》雜誌的採訪，我當時回答：「我當然也希望自己能夠成功。但我更希望世界上有一個排行榜，是『擁有最有價值友情』的前十名。」
[00:13:15] Trevor
Once that group has grown and all I try to do in in a like it is, it is so meticulous it is meaningful. My friends sometimes get irritated with me because they they go like, why are you so controlled about it? And I go because we have to work on our friendship. I know it seems like it's just going to happen, but we have to work on it. When are we having this dinner? When?
那個朋友圈慢慢地建立起來後，我開始非常、非常細心地經營它，而那其實是很有意義的事。有時候我的朋友會覺得有點被我煩到，他們會問我：「你幹嘛對這種事情這麼在意？」我回答：「因為友情是需要用心維繫的。」我知道友情聽起來好像自然而然就會延續，但並不會，我們真的要用心去經營。所以我常會問大家，會安排像是什麼時候要一起吃飯？什麼時候碰面？
[00:14:17] Simon
That's such a common misunderstanding, which I didn't want to burden you, don't want to bother you with my problems. And I think people don't realize that we don't build trust by offering help. We build trust by asking for it. That because it's your example and I'm sure everyone in this room has had this experience where someone was in pain, didn't call you for fear of bothering you or interrupting you. You're a busy person.
這其實是一個很常見的誤解：「我不想麻煩你」、「我不造成你的負擔」。
可人們常常沒發現，「我主動幫了你什麼」並不會真的加深兩個人的信任關係，反而是「你願意請我幫忙」才能更有助兩人的關係深化（因為一方願意敞開心房）。舉個例子，現場的每個人應該都經歷過吧？當你好朋友陷入低潮，很痛苦，但他沒有打電話給你，因為他怕打擾你、怕麻煩你。他覺得你是個大忙人。
And then you find out once they're OK, and I, and again I'll just speak from personal experience. A friend of mine went through something. He wasn't completely out of it but he was doing better and I'm like, “Haven't talked in a couple weeks!” and he sort of like slowly started to say, “I've been struggling.” And I said, why didn't you call me? He says I didn't wanna bother you and my immediate reaction was you asshole! How dare you be so selfish to deny me the honor of being there for you in your time, of showing up for you. And that's what it is. It's the incredible that's when, you know, a friend as a friend when you…It is an absolute honor to be there at the time they least want to call you.
等到你發現他不對勁時，他可能已經比較好了。至少就我個人經驗來說，有一次，我有個朋友經歷了一段很艱難的時期，那時他雖然還沒完全走出來，但已經好一點了，恰好那時我問候他說：「欸，最近幾週都沒聯絡耶！」他支支吾吾地說：「嗯……我最近過得不太好。」我問：「那你為什麼不打給我？」他回答：「我不想打擾你。」我當下的反應就是：「你這王八蛋。」你怎麼可以這麼自私，你竟然剝奪了我陪伴你的機會，剝奪了我在你需要的時候出現在你身邊的機會。這就是我在講的，朋友是什麼？朋友就是在他根本不想跟外界聯絡的時候，還是願意讓你靠近的人。（這裡就是回到上段講的asking for it）而能在那個時刻陪著他們的我，絕對是深感榮幸。
[00:15:00] Trevor
Do you think that women have a better grasp of friendship than men?
你覺得女生在經營友情這件事上，理解得比男生更深嗎？
[00:15:34] Simon
100%. I think for that reason, women make better CEO's.
I mean, we've heard it from multiple female entrepreneurs on the stage today. There is a better understanding of the human dynamic. Women come up to me more often than men and they get they get my work much better. Men come up to me and ask for case studies. Men want me to prove that trusting people, loving people, taking care of people is a good thing for business. Women inherently understand that and make decisions accordingly. So yeah, I do think women are better at it. I think women are less afraid to say I love you to their friends too.
百分之百。也因為這個原因，我覺得女生其實更適合當 CEO。今天在這個舞台上，我們已經聽到好幾位女性創業家分享，她們對人際之間的連結，有更深的理解。女性客戶來找我的時候，往往比男性更能「直接抓到重點」。男人來找我時，常常是要什麼個案研究，問的總是：「你怎麼證明信任、關愛、照顧他人對企業是好事？」但女性本能地就能了解這件事，也可以依照那樣去做決策。所以對，我的確覺得女人在這方面做得更好。我也覺得，女人比較不害怕對朋友表達「我愛你」。
[00:16:30] Trevor
One of the big things I've been worried about recently is young men and how angry they've become, how alone they've become, how isolated they've become and then, ironically, how they've turned that anger isolation into a community. And it's weird because it's literally, there's communities of young men online, who have formed communities based in and around loneliness, based in and around anger. It's interesting that you say all these things. They don't try and become friends, they don't try and teach each other to hug and to love and to feel. They sort of foment these feelings and they go this is why we should hate women and this is why we should hate the government and this is why we should hate society and this is why we should hate. And I wonder if this world that you're speaking about is we're sort of seeing the effects of it now as like men who haven't found anything beyond… someone said early on stage today. It's like, men going what am I beyond? what I do? Because a lot of these men are unemployed, and who am I because of who I am around.
有件事，是我最近一直很擔憂的：年輕男性。他們變得越來越憤怒、越來越孤單、越來越疏離。而最諷刺的是，他們竟然把這種孤單與憤怒，變成了一種「社群」。沒錯，現在真的有一群又一群年輕男生，在網路上組成社群，這些社群的基礎不是歡樂或共享價值，而是建立在孤獨和憤怒之上。你剛剛說的那些話讓我想到這一點——這些人不是試著交朋友，不是試著教彼此怎麼擁抱、怎麼去愛、怎麼去感受；他們反而是在強化那些情緒，然後說：「這就是我們為什麼該討厭女人，為什麼該討厭政府，為什麼該討厭整個社會……就是因為這些情緒。」我就在想，你說的這個世界——那種缺乏情感連結、缺乏其他自我定義方式的世界——是不是現在我們已經看見了它的後果？因為很多男生心裡的聲音是在問：「我除了工作，還是誰？」當這些人失業之後，他們不只沒工作，更會迷失在「我到底是誰」的漩渦裡。他們不知道怎麼靠「身邊的人」來定義自己——因為他們身邊已經沒人了。
[00:20:12] Trevor
Do you think there is a way to find the balance between showing up as a family person showing up as a mother, showing up as a father, showing up as you know that nuclear unit showing up as a CEO showing up as a President, showing up…Do you think it's possible to show up in those worlds and then still make room for what society has deemed and “nice to have”, because friendship is never seen as the thing like… I came here last year with a friend as a plus 1 and I remember few people like… who's this? I was like, my friend. They’re like, what does he do? I was like he's my friend. And (they asked) like for a living? I was like, yeah, I'd like to think so. And obviously he does things, but to me, he's my friend. I don't know what he does, and obviously I do, but I don't care. And I wonder if you like, think about that, you know, for rooms like this where people are so high-powered and so intense and they focused and they go family, business. I hear a lot of people say that. I hear very people say friends, I really, really work hard on my friendships. What do you say to that?
你覺得，有沒有可能找到一種平衡？身為家庭的一份子：媽媽、爸爸；身為組織的一份子：CEO、總統……在這些社會主流角色之外，還能保留一些空間給那些社會常常說「只是加分」的東西嗎？像是友情。友情從來都不是被放在順位裡的。
我去年來這攜的伴是我的朋友，還記得有幾個人問我說：「欸這誰啊？」我說：「我朋友。」他們說：「噢～他是做什麼的？」我說：「他是我朋友啊。」他們又問：「我是說他是做什麼工作的？」我說：「嗯……對啊，我想他就是『做我的朋友』吧，哈哈。」當然啦，他是有工作的，我也知道他做什麼。
但對我來說，那些都不重要啊。他今天在這，重點就在於他是我的朋友，這就夠了。
我就在想，在這種場合裡，這麼多成功人士、這麼多高度專注、熱情的人，大家講的永遠都是「家庭」、「事業」，我真的很少聽到有人說：「我真的很用心在經營友情。」你會怎麼看這種現象？
[00:21:14] Simon
It is more amazing to have an amazing experience with someone than by yourself. You can go to by yourself and say look what I did v.s. do you remember that time we did that? And I think that we, especially for leaders and I criticize I think leaders bear greater responsibility because people follow their leaders. So goes the leaders so goes the organization, so goes leaders, so goes the country, always, so goes the parents. So go the children. Right? Put your phones away. Mom and Dad are on their phone the whole time at dinner, right? And I think if the leader publicly said, I just want everybody to know it's Monday, Friday and leaving a little early. It's my friend's birthday and we're going to go celebrate. You will find people prioritizing their friends more. I think it's a leadership problem.
我一直覺得，能和他人一起經歷一段精彩的經驗，永遠都比你獨自經歷來得更珍貴。
你當然可以自己去一趟旅程，回來說：「你看我做了什麼！」但最棒的，是那種：「你還記得我們一起做的那件事嗎？」
我特別會對領導者做出批評，因為我覺得領導者有更高的責任，人們會模仿他們的領導者。
老闆怎麼走，組織就怎麼走；領導者怎麼活，國家就怎麼活；父母怎麼做，孩子就怎麼學。
你要孩子把手機收起來，卻自己整場晚餐都在滑手機，那有什麼用？
我認為，如果一個領導者願意公開這樣說：「大家注意一下，今天星期五我會早點下班，因為我要去幫朋友慶生。」你就會看到，身邊的人也會開始把友情當成值得被優先安排的事。說到底，這是個領導問題。
[00:21:59] Trevor
I've realized in talking to people just anecdotally and then, you know, therapists who are really good studying in the space is I think we shouldn't take for granted how much the abandoning or the ignoring of friendships has affected romantic relationships because people have now shifted all of the expectation, all of the support, all of the… you know, the love that they got from a community of friends and they've moved on to one person. I think there's a few studies that have actually shown even having a friend where you can talk shit about your partner too, which is healthy by the way, actually improves your chances of staying with your partner.
我後來慢慢發現——不只是從日常的對話裡，甚至是從那些對這領域非常熟悉的治療師口中——有一件事我們真的不能低估：忽略友情，對愛情的影響有多大。
現在很多人，已經把原本從朋友那裡獲得的所有東西——支持、理解、情感連結——全都轉移到那個唯一的「伴侶」身上。以前有整個友情支持系統一起支撐、分享著你的生活；現在是你希望由一個人承擔全部。有一些研究也指出，即使只是有個朋友，讓你可以偷偷抱怨一下另一半（這其實很健康），都能提高你維繫這段感情的機率。
[00:22:43] Simon
I’m having an insight here. Thank you for being the truffle pig and uncovering this magical little insight that the same thing is happening at work is happening in our relationships. So it used to be where we sort of had bowling leagues, and we got community from here, we got our sense of belief from church, work was the place we made our living with barbecues, with our neighbors, and over time, those things have disappeared. And now we demand of our work that you be the place of purpose, you be the place of community, you be the place of my social life now. You be the place that matches my politics. We're putting all this pressure on work to fulfill every desire I have, and we're doing the exact same thing in our relationships, which is we seem to abandon those outside places and we're asking of our partners to be everything all the time, always, which is an unreasonable and unfair standard to put on someone or be put on us.
你這樣說，讓我突然有一個頓悟。我發現：
我們在親密關係裡發生的事，和我們在職場裡發生的事，其實是一模一樣的。
以前，我們的生活是分散的、立體的。我們有保齡球隊，從中感受到社群歸屬；我們從教會獲得信念與價值感；工作，就是我們賺錢養家的地方；我們跟鄰居辦烤肉趴，生活就是這樣多元而有節奏。
但這些社交面向慢慢消失了。於是我們開始對「工作」提出更多要求：工作要帶給我人生的意義、職場要讓我有歸屬感、工作不能跟我政治理念有衝突。我們不知不覺對工作投射了所有的期待，工作變成了我們「所有慾望的出口」，它必須要乘載這些所有的壓力。
而我們在感情關係，也在做一模一樣的事：我們放棄了其他外部社會連結、其他情感支持，然後開始期待伴侶要「無時無刻、全方面、百分之百」符合我們的期望和需求。這是一種極不合理、也極不公平的標準。不該這樣被要求，也不該這樣去要求別人。
附帶另一段忘記是不是這個影片的，Simon提到，我們去問那些婚姻成功的伴侶他們的訣竅是什麼？他們都會說：這很不容易，要付出很多努力。他認為友情也是一樣一樣，要維繫也是要付出很多的努力。而不懂經營友誼的人，通常感情關係也處理不太好，因為他們跟朋友之間有不合就掰，他們不懂怎麼好好的溝通、包容、磨合，那在愛情裡當然也是一樣，因為是同一個人同一個行為模式。
達人
