How to Give the Cat a Pill

這是大學寫作課讀到的一篇示範文，滿有趣的，po上來分享一下。至少，我個人是從第一行笑到最後一行……
p.s. 本篇可當作 Process Paragraph （即 How to...） 這類文章的範本。中文翻譯隨便看看就好...


Giving a pill to a cat is a process that requires creativity and determination.
餵貓吃藥是需要創意和決心的，其步驟如下所示：
The first step is to pick the cat up and hold it in your left arm like a baby.
首先，把貓抓起來，並將它當成嬰兒一般的抱在左手上。
With your left thumb and forefinger, gently squeeze the cat's cheeks open.  
用你的左手拇指和食指，輕輕壓開貓嘴。
As soon as the cat opens its mouth, put in the pill.  
當貓一張開嘴，馬上把藥丸丟進去。
Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow.  
讓貓閉上嘴巴並做吞嚥的動作。
Next, retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa.
接下來，請從地上迅速取回藥丸，並把躲在沙發後的貓抓回來。
The second step is to repeat the first step.
第二個步驟，請重覆前一步驟。
This time, however, hold the cat's mouth closed while you count to ten.
但是，這一次，無論如何都要緊抓住貓嘴，直到你數到十。
Then retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from behind the washing machine.
然後，把魚缸裡的藥取出來，還有躲在洗衣機後的貓也抓回來。
The third step is to call a neighbor for help.
第三步驟，需要鄰居的協助。
When the neighbor arrives, ask him to hold the cat's body firmly between his knees and its head between his hands.
鄰居過來後，麻煩他用膝蓋牢牢夾住貓的身體，並用雙手固定住貓頭。
Then force open the cat's mouth with a wooden stick and push in the pill.
然後用木棒撐開貓嘴，再丟入藥丸。
After that, retrieve the cat from the curtain rod, make a note to repair the curtains, and bandage your neighbor's hands.  
之後，把貓從窗帘上抓回來，寫張字條提醒自己要修窗帘，並順便替鄰居的手敷藥。
Now get a new pill for a final attempt.  
此時，拿出新藥丸做最後一次奮鬥。
Tie the cat's four paws together with strong rope, and tie the cat securely to the leg of the dining table.  
用粗繩把貓的四條腿緊緊地綁在餐桌的桌腳上。
After you put on heavy-duty gloves, hide the pill in a large piece of fish, push it into the cat's mouth, and pour in a quart of water to wash it all down.
戴上做粗工的厚手套後，把藥丸藏在一大塊魚肉中，再將魚肉塞進貓嘴裡，並灌下大量的水將魚肉連藥沖下肚。
On your way home from the emergency room (where the doctor sewed up your bleeding arm), order a new dining table and call the SPCA to come get the cat.
在急診室縫完手臂上的傷返回家時，不妨先訂張新的餐桌，並知會動物安全協會把這隻危險的貓帶走。